


My Dick Could Model for Vogue

by transmothmun



Series: Foreign Concepts [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Closeted Character, Crack, Dildos, Gen, Light Angst, Trans Girl Pidge, Trans Male Character, allura and shiro play a mega small role ahh, also no explicit content, based on real things that happened, its barely even there tbh, just conversations abt dildos, the klance is really lowkey, trans boy lance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-04
Updated: 2017-04-04
Packaged: 2018-10-14 21:30:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10544658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transmothmun/pseuds/transmothmun
Summary: Lance's search for the perfect dick.





	

Lance had not meant to stumble across the Bad Dragon website. It was really a huge coincidence, because if he had known it was a sex toy site and not something legitimate, he’d never have-

Okay, so he’d probably have still clicked on the link, but it wasn’t as if he’d specifically been  _ looking _ for this kind of shit. So, really, he couldn’t be blamed for the situation. It was only natural to be curious about what kind of dildo site had packers. Sure, they weren’t proper packers, but…

“Hunk.” He sat next to him and looked up after a moment. He imagined he regretted it as soon as he saw his screen, and the obnoxiously large grin on his face. Surely enough, it only took a few moments for his expression to drop into one of exasperation. Lance was pretty sure that’s a new record for him. “I could have a dragon dick, Hunk. This is, like, a dream come true.” 

It took him a few moments to respond. When he did, Hunk sounded as though he has finally lost hope for Lance, and he is honestly shocked that it didn’t happen sooner. “Lance… what the fuck. I love you, and I support you, but  _ what the fuck _ .” Unsurprisingly, this did nothing to deter Lance. 

“Hunk, if that was true, you would support me feeling comfortable in my own body.” Lance sniffed, rubbing at his eyes as though he were about to cry. He wasn’t. “What would make me feel most comfortable… would be to literally have a dragon dick. Can’t you just accept who I am?”

Hunk looked stuck halfway between the ideas of comforting Lance and slapping him when Pidge walks in. It’s ideal timing, really. He quickly turned towards her- she already looked mildly confused- and then flipped his laptop around so she could see the page. “Pidge, I’ve found my dream packer, and Hunk refuses to support me and accept me for who I am.” He still sounded a bit like he was about to cry, but this time it’s from trying not to laugh. 

Again, it took Pidge a few moments to process what she was looking at, and she immediately turned to Hunk with mock anger. Lance knew he could count on her for support in this. “Hunk, I can’t believe you! I thought you were supportive of our being trans, but here you are, being  _ rude  _ and ‘phobic as hell,” she sniffed. “I thought I could count on you, Hunk. I really did.” 

At this point Lance had turned his computer back towards him, still attempting (and now failing) to contain his laughter. “This entire site is ridiculous, though. Like…” He returned to the main product page, snickering. “The dildos have art and stories to go with them? Look at this? What kind of furries…” 

Pidge quickly hurried around the table to settle between them on their shared couch and peer over Lance’s shoulder. Hunk still looked a bit vexed, but also leaned over to look, squishing the smallest of the three roommates between them. Pidge almost stabs Lance with… something, when he snickered and whispered something under his breath about a ‘pigeon sandwich’. 

“Wait, wait, stop there, I wanna read the dimensions for this.” The continuous clicking and scrolling halted for a moment as Pidge leans closer to read the text. It didn’t take long for her to begin cackling, falling back into the cushions once more. Lance soon followed, Hunk merely shaking his head and cautiously taking the opportunity to exit the scene, stage left. “Christ, what the fuck? How do you fit something like that in you? Seventeen fucking inches-”

“No! No, look-” After taking a minute to catch his breath, Lance pointed back towards the screen. “The head is ten inches in circumference! How do you even get it in, oh my  _ god- _ ” The pair began laughing again, hardly able to breathe. As soon as it died down, they moved onto the next one. “Alright, alright, uh, this one is, ‘Nova the Breeder’...” He bites back another bout of laughter. “I’m choking, listen to this- ‘I missed out on meeting the insatiable drake, the alpha male of alpha males who mounts anyone who moves in his-’ Christ, what kind of badly written twelve year old fiction is this? And why is the dildo so aesthetically pleasing, Pidge? Why?” 

Pidge had started to giggle again, but attempted to stifle her laughter to respond. Lance got the impression that the content of what she planned on saying wasn’t helping the matter any, because it took her at least five minutes to gather the composure needed to speak. 

“Lance. Lance, you should get it.” Several moments of absolute silence pass, during which Lance’s expression morphed into confusion and horror. “No! Not to use. Just, just to say… so you can say your dick is-” She twisted to look at the screen again. “Almost fourteen inches long. And pink and purple. And scaled? Imagine how amazing that would be.” Lance’s expression had morphed back to glee. 

“Pidge. You’re a genius. Oh my god.” He turned back to the screen, scrolling to the bottom to look at the ordering process. “Gross, one eighty? There goes my savings.”

“Is it worth it, though?”

“Oh, fuck yeah it’s worth it. Doesn’t mean I’m not going to complain, though.” Lance snickered, clicking through the tabs. “Dude, if I want to get the nice color, it’s like… fifteen dollars extra? What the fuck.”

“Oh my god.” With that, Pidge began choking back laughter again, burying her face in her hands. “Lance, are you really going to-”

“Uh,  _ yes _ . Pidge, if I’m doing this, I’m  _ doing this _ . I’m not going to get a two hundred dollar dildo that I don’t want to look at. What kind of idiot do you think I am?”

“Uhm, the kind that’s seriously ordering a two hundred dollar dildo just to claim that it’s your dick?” 

Lance gasped, offense just a step away from becoming obnoxiously mocking. “Pidge! You were the one who suggested this! I can’t believe this-  _ transphobic _ -”

“I can’t be transphobic, I’m trans too-”

“Biphobic, then! I can’t believe this. I thought we were friends.” Apparently having finished ordering his honestly completely unnecessary purchase, he fell back against the arm of the couch with a dramatic sob. “First Hunk, now you- I can’t believe my two best friends have betrayed me like this!” 

His raised voice prompted the initial traitor to shout from his place in the kitchen. “I guess I’m only providing me and Pidge dinner tonight, then.” With a screech, Lance soon found himself in front of him, hands resting on the bigger man’s shoulders and a shocked expression on his face. 

“ _ Hunk _ . You wouldn’t  _ dare. _ ” They all knew that Hunk was the only member of the household- apartment-hold?- that could cook at all, and leaving Lance alone to his devices for meals usually ended in a disaster. “Do you  _ want  _ me to set the stove on fire again?” 

Hunk shifted his eyes back to the stove, then slowly turned away. “Well, you could always order in, I’m sure it’d be better than eating food prepared by a traitor like me…” 

Another gasp came from Lance as he dropped his hands back to his side. “Hunk, I just spent all my money! You can’t do this to me! I’ll forgive, you, you just have to feed me,  _ please _ -”

“I don’t know, could you even trust me?”

Another dramatic sob was wrenched from Lance’s throat.

(At the end of the day, he ended up ordering an actual packer, too. But that was far less exciting.)

\---

To be frank, the whole dildo thing? That had been completely forgotten by all parties involved soon after it occurred. Lance had only briefly brought it up to complain when he hadn’t had enough spending money to grab coffee before work, and that had quickly subsided when Keith offered to buy for him so long as he got up before Keith left for the gym. 

Pidge had snickered at that, and though Hunk made a point of shushing her, it was obvious that he was amused too.

The subject was abruptly brought up again, however, when Lance received a package during the group’s monthly get together, which- that month, at least- was being hosted at the three’s apartment. The group had gathered in a circle around it, staring at it in a silence that was occasionally punctuated by a suggestion of what it might be. This lasted for almost ten minutes before Lance realised what it was. 

“Pidge!” His voice was so sudden that Hunk almost fell over. “My dick is here.” 

Apparently no one had anything to say to that, and the next noise that filled the silence was Pidge’s laughter. The looks that he was being given by Allura, Shiro, and Keith ranged from amused to concerned, respectively- Hunk, on the other hand, simply looked exhausted. Lance couldn’t really blame him. 

Pidge apparently found the situation far more humorous than Lance had thought it was, as she was still rolling on the ground in hysterics when Lance managed to find something sharp to open the box with. It was only after glancing back up at the three who  _ hadn’t _ been there when the Incident happened that it occurred to him: it might not be the best idea to open the package when everyone else was over. Slowly sticking the pair of scissors into the tape wrapping around the box, he left it there, and pushed the box behind him. 

“Anyway, what were we doing? Weren’t we going to fuck around on the Xbox?” Lance shifted under the stares of the group; the realization that the joke wouldn’t make sense to the rest of them now made him wish he’d just pushed the box off to the side until later, rather than announce its contents to the group.

He knew that Shiro, Allura, and Keith  _ probably _ weren’t going to be judgemental or anything. Pidge was out as trans, after all. But still. It would be kind of weird to come out as trans just because he had ordered a joke dick for himself, not to mention he wasn’t sure  _ some  _ members of the uninformed trio (coughkeithcough) wouldn’t just make fun of him for it.

Seemingly sensing his discomfort, Hunk drew the group’s attention back to the T.V. “Yeah, what was the new game we got, Lance? Wasn’t it one of your, uhm, Dragon Age games?” Lance perked up at that, apparently prepared to go on his usual Dragon Age induced rant. He didn’t get the chance, (un?)fortunately. 

“Wait, wait, what were you talking about? What was the package?” Keith was attempting to look behind Lance’s back in suspicion. “We spent almost ten minutes trying to figure out what it was, you can’t just leave us hanging.” 

Lance shifted to put the package back out of Keith’s view, frowning at his friend’s  ~~ crush’s  ~~ persistence. “I think you’ll find that I  _ can _ , dipshit. Just watch me.” He looked as though he was about five seconds away from jumping Lance in order to reach the box at that, likely only held back by Shiro’s hand on his shoulder.

For a few moments a silence persisted, but was eventually broken as Lance began scooting the box further back, the cardboard making soft shuffling noises against the hardwood. Keith and Lance had yet to break eye contact, even as Lance reached up to fumble with the doorknob of his door and pushed the box into the room. Then, with narrowed eyes, he returned to his previous seat, still glaring at Keith. 

This time Hunk did manage to drag everyone’s attention away from the subject, though at first Lance still found himself wishing something could have been done to avoid the situation, and he still caught Keith throwing him suspicious looks every once in awhile. Soon enough, however, he found himself caught up in the excitement of Inquisition, and explaining the premise of the lore to the extraordinarily confused Shiro. Even Keith eventually stopped glaring at Lance, though Lance wasn’t sure he wanted to consider the new looks he was being given. 

There’d be time enough to figure everything out later. 

**Author's Note:**

> ahhHHHHH this only took me THREE WEEKS to finish jfc
> 
> i may or may not do a follow up for this...? really it depends on how stress levels stack up, and whether or not i can bang out a couple chapters for blue lips to put in a queue 
> 
> but yes!!!! trans boy lance!!!! my son!!! that i definitely dont project on a lot!!!!


End file.
